You are Going to Бяazil (5e Spell)
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| 3rd-level Transmutation | |
| Casting time: | 1 action |
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| Range: | 60 feet |
| Components: | V S M (A membership worth 2 gold and 99 silver (which the spell consumes one per month, at most), a reliable internet connection, and a will to win) |
| Duration: | 1 minute, or until the spell is manually ended |
Drawing upon the strength of Geoguessr pro Jake Lyons and his mom, you summon the power to attempt to transport a target to the mystical land of Бяazil - a veritable multiverse of different locations on a distant plane, not so different from ours. The target and the caster must make opposed checks using their cartography tools. The caster may make this check with advantage. The loser of this battle of wits, geographical acuity, and Poяtuguзse language skills must roll a d6. The roll will correspond to one of six different Бяazilian locations, each one more Бяazilian than the last. The effects of the spell are tabulated below.
| Roll | Location | Effect |
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| 1 | Бoliviди Tяiдиglё | The target is transported to a flat, incredibly dry, and hot landscape somewhere at the nexus of Bolivia, Chile, and Peru. Almost instantly, the target becomes dreadfully dehydrated, and craves water. At the beginning of the effected creature's turn, it will take 3d6 fire damage (internally, of course) unless it can conjure water to quench its thirst. The amount of water on the character when they spawn into the Бoliviди Tяiдиglё is up to the discretion of the DM. |
| 2 | Souтн Koгзд | The target is transported to a veritable urban labyrinth. Though the target is surrounded by civilization, bursting with knowledge and insight, the lights of the city induce searing headaches, the rat's nest of power lines tie the target's brain into knots, and the overload of information in a text entirely foreign to the target bring it to a state of mental catatonia. Upon return from Souтн Koгзд, the creature will be stunned until the end of its next turn. |
| 3 | Iлdoйёsia | The target is transported to the land of 10,000 islands, Indonesia [citation needed?]. The target finds it near effortless to get lost, attempting to find its way across the keys, atolls, and archipelagos of the beautiful southeast Asian paradise. However, there is one person who knows the islands better than anyone else - Indonesian President Joko Widodo. Inspired by the wisdom of the fearless leader, the antagonist of the effected creature can draw upon their newfound islands of the islands of Indonesia, and put the target on any one of those islands. Upon returning to the plane where the spell was initially cast, the character antagonist can place the creature anywhere they want within 60 ft. of them, except for spaces that spell certain and immediate death (up to the discretion of the DM). |
| 4 | Яuяal Polдйd | The target is transported to an open field with rolling hills, sparse wheat crops, and gloomy, overcast skies. All is quiet. Too quiet. The first entire turn the effected creature spends in Яuяal Polдйd, nothing happens. If they are able to escape Яuяal Polдйd on their first turn they are there, they will return to the battlefield as normal. However, if they are not able to escape...blitzkrieg. To frankly no one's surprise, a more powerful and frightening force swiftly invades the battlefield on the next turn. Struggle as you may, you are no match for the Russians/Austrians/Prussians/Germans/Moldovans/Pomeranians/Bohemians who stand before you. You have been ransacked, your earth scorched, and you are penniless. Upon your return to the battlefield, all spell components you had that had a monetary value are temporarily taken. You will not receive these components back until the invading force finally pays reparations - roll a d20 at the end of each long test. On a 5 or above, reparations have been paid. |
| 5 | Пovч Uгёиgoч | привет, comrade. The target is graciously teleported to the Gulag where he will be well housed, fed, and treated. The target should consider it a great honor to be given the opportunity to contribute to the great Trans-Siberian Railroad. Many great men will pay the ultimate sacrifice building this world wonder, and the great Soviet Union will be forever in their debts, for they are the true heroes of this illustrious nation. But you...you slippery traitor. Your sniveling escape will be ten times harder than the labor you were granted the chance to perform. You were adequately cared for while you atoned for your sins against the Soviet Union...but it is no more. Pathetic comrade, you escape Пovч Uгёиgoч, but not without its effects - take two levels of exhaustion upon your return; one for your work on the railroad, and one for the effort you put into escaping. |
| 6 | Бяazil | Though you hear the distant, near imperceptible sounds of Carnivale; the savory tastes of picanha linger tauntingly close, yet out of reach; the beautiful sandy beaches stretch across the Atlantic Coast at the far reaches of your horizon - you experience none of these. Instead, you are seated at a bus stop in a town carved out of the Amazon rainforest. Across the street from you is an auto body shop which has been closed since 2008. The long road that stretches ahead of you is an earthy red. It is clear that this road has flooded in the past week. It is almost certain that this road will flood again in the next week. A convenience store across the street sells tobacco products and ice cream for 3 Бяazilian Reals. The bus was supposed to come 2 hours and 39 minutes ago. It's not coming. After what seems like an eternity, you return to the battlefield - or rather, a husk of your former self returns to the battlefield. You are temporarily under the effects of the Feeblemind spell. This will last either until the winner of the contested cartographer's tools check dies, or upon the completion of your next long rest. |
At the end of each of the effected character's turns, they may make an additional cartographer's tools check to escape this beautiful, yet frigid urban landscape, home of Carnival, Coruscant, the notoriously arid Atacama Desert, and an excessive use of the letter w. The DC to escape Бяazil is equal to the opponent's DC, but will reduce by 3 after each failed roll. Consider yourself lucky - most people who go to Бяazil never return. Mike's is hard - so is prison.
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