User:Isaac Excalibur Drake

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My legend begins in the 12th century.

Unfortunately neither I nor anyone I've met can recall it.

I'm just here to submit a few things now and then and maybe to passively insult some people when the urge arises.

Things I did that I'm too lazy to establish real credit for:

You can find the story of this character here:

The Brief-ish and Almost Complete History of: Isaac Excalibur Drake, Holy Sword of Moon's Republic, Second Guardian of Tartarus, Disciple of Ebikeneezer the Lonely Flame, Champion of Queen Marian of the Granite Kingdom, Cutter of Bodor's Enemies, Man of Ten Thousand Masks, and Prophet of the Gypsy Trinity. Ignore the anecdotes, I haven't written them yet.

The legend of Isaac Excalibur Drake begins in the 12th century. Unfortunately no one alive, including Isaac, remembers where or how it began. Isaac's earliest recollection is of awakening in a forest at night covered in cuts and bruises, having lost his memory completely, and suffering from an odd craving for tea. He was found and taken in by an elf man named Ebikenezer McToughstuff, who lived in a nearby village (The village had no name, but the forest nearby was named Tartarus. The villagers were supposedly guarding this forest, although from what and why they had long forgotten. Most people believe the original settlers were sent there simply to be rid of them). Finding he had a natural talent with a dagger (his only possessions upon waking were his flimsy clothing and a dagger with his name inscribed upon it), he quickly rose in the ranks of the local guard, under the guidance of Ebikenezer, who taught him to be “tough and stuff”.

Isaac's peaceful life guarding the forest, which was called Tartarus due to the streams of monsters than came out of it, came to an end when the village was suddenly and inexplicably attacked by a horribly lost and misunderstood group of Somalian Booty Pirates. Isaac initially tried to fight them off, but after a stray arrow nearly neutered him he panicked and, to his surprise, turned into a sword. The pirates, mistaking him for loot, took him aboard their stolen Humvee and rode off. Since the Humvee was only present due to a radical time displacement and fuel had yet to be invented, it eventually stalled and left Isaac and the pirates stranded in the middle of Nowhere, Particular. After a few hours of soul searching and self-contemplation, Isaac eventually managed to change back into his usual form. All of the pirates simultaneously died of shock upon seeing this (although it is believed the sudden radical time displacement had already worn their bodies down significantly).

Having discovered that he was in fact part changeling, and that he could for some reason turn into a sword, which changelings normally couldn't do, Isaac decided to use his talents to become a hired assassin so that he could provide for himself. His wandering and random job-picking eventually led him to a small country known as Moon's Republic. There he worked for many years as an assassin for the country's Holy King, thus earning the title “Holy Sword Excalibur.” He also learned to use his powers to keep his facial expressions in check and deceive people of his intentions, earning his title "Man of Ten Thousand Masks"

When asked what happened to Moon's Republic and why no one has ever heard of it, Isaac invariably mumbles something or other about frogs, stares into space emotionally for a time, and changes the subject.

He later came under the command of King Bador/Bodor/Bordor(?) and became acquainted with a knight by the name of Tabris, who was Bodor's shield-thane. The kingdom was soon felled, absorbed by the Granite Kingdom (which consequently was the same kingdom to absorb Moon's Republic, though none knew this because the skirmish was so small and pitiful). Isaac and Tabris agreed upon a magical contract in which Tabris would stab himself through the foot with Isaac in sword form, become a gargoyle, and await the next master. In hindsight it wasn'y the best of plans, but it saved them both years of tedious journey and boredom.

The two were later released by a group of imbeciles, and continued to encounter many things. Unfortunately Isaac seems to have forgotten the entirety of this encounter for one reason or another. He vaguely recalls attending a wedding of his fifth(?) master, Gobbles the Goblin, which was raided by land pirates which fell from the air. He later found himself at a table with seventeen bottles of liquor at his feet and several severed fingers in his pockets. Tabris was nowhere to be found.

He wandered for a time, searching for Tabris and doing odd jobs and occasional hits.

Whilst taking a drink in a saloon after completing one of his missions, Isaac became acquainted with a kind tree (no, not quite an ent, just a moving tree) by the name of Frederick (attired in a top hat and monacle) and his partner and/or lover Asmodean the swordsman bard. Also present were a schizophrenic bipolar samurai weretiger named Boris (who, historians speculate, may have been Boris the Soviet Love Hammer on retreat), a dwarf monk whose name none could remember, and a permanently angry human gunsmith by the name of Hitler. He and his new companions were thenceforth sent on some quest or other, the exact purpose of which Isaac never understood in the first place. During this magnificent quest (see: League of Questionable Gentlemen) he obtained new-found strength, everlasting friendships, and a hysterical fear of bridges (see: Bridge Debacle).

After being captured and nearly killed by an orc tribe king and having had his friend Frederick sold off as a sex slave, and then stepping into a secret congregation in which he found a multitude of cloaked figures singing War by Edwin Starr while a talking horse swore at them and swung a battleaxe about, Isaac decided that he had had quite enough of the universe and that the universe had likely had quite enough of him. He wordlessly left the scene and trekked to a nearby town for a drink of beer. He then got so drunk that he woke up stark naked in a pushcart filled with cabbages with a week’s worth of memory loss. According to local accounts, he had during this lost week single-handedly discouraged a lich from annihilating all of reality using only hand gestures, for which he was named Champion of the Granite Kingdom by the ruling Queen Marianne. The lich was supposedly named Joel Wimbleboot, and had retreated to his demiplane with some young woman and several bags of pistachios for a much needed vacation.

After being sober for a total of thirteen seconds Isaac decided that he had had enough of that state of mind and proceeded to the nearest saloon, prepared to drink himself into oblivion. There he met his old friend Boris, who had reportedly been staring forlornly at his own cup of ale for about a month. Isaac and Boris then proceeded to recount old tales, which took all of a glance and a shiver, before getting totally wasted. Whilst totally wasted, they had accidentally accepted some quest or other from a shady old man and had joined a party of other adventurers. Leaving the bar in an initial attempt to ignore the quest completely, they immediately encountered a group of butt naked thugs who wanted to murder them for no good reason at all. The thugs turned out to be quite unreasonably powerful and the party only survived because the monk, who had been there but had not been initially noticed, managed to psychically convince the thugs to wander off into the ocean (See: Why Are They Naked?).

Minutes later Isaac found himself on a boat traveling to a nearby island entirely without a clue about the situation. After establishing an alliance with the local gnomes and bugbears by giving them old, used bed sheets, he and his party managed to defeat a Hydra and a group of thieves/wizards. A few minutes later Isaac again found himself on a boat without knowing why. After crashing on an island inhabited by primitives and complaining vehemently to everyone within earshot of the lack of alcohol present, he agreed to help rid the primitives of the Blood Elf King conquering their island. After finding the king seated on his throne and sticking about a dozen arrows in his hide Isaac was knocked unconscious, leaving Boris to finish the fight. (See: "Who Keeps Hitting Me?!") He woke up again when they came into town, and after knocking about for a while and purchasing a donkey and a golden eagle, which he named Bartram and Alfredo respectively, he went along with the party to their destination, unsure of it as he was.

On the way out of town the party encountered a mysterious gruel salesman who offered them a thousand flavors of magic gruel, each with its own unique properties. On a whim, Isaac picked forty-two and fed it to his donkey, whose eyes then glazed over. After the monk performed a psychic evaluation it was determined that the donkey had come to know the answer to life, the universe, and everything, but was unable to tell anyone. Thus, he became known as Barbar the All-Knowing Eternally Silent Donkey. The party continued to their destination. Upon arrival they were challenged by a bunch of naked dwarves to a wrestling match. Isaac then realized that this entire quest was a terrible life choice and decided to make his way back to town. A few days later he was accused of having stolen the entirety of the town’s weaponry, gold, and other shiny things and was henceforth labeled a filthy gypsy and a kleptomaniac. He was banished from the village along with a mindless barbarian woman, an extremely racist and rude elf, and a very senile old wizard. Barbar and Alfredo remained behind.

The three traveled together a while, ending up in the port city of Xeras, Arcanum. After the elf was arrested for harassing a civilian and the barbarian and the wizard wandered off somewhere, Isaac decided to stow away on a ship out to another continent altogether. On his way to the port, however, he was nearly hit by a large piece of the Arcanum wall, which was built for the exact purpose of stopping large things from hitting the people inside of it. Seeing a Loremian ship firing at the city and believing this to be his way out of the country, he leaped on board.

After charging the deck and being knocked out almost immediately by the ships security, Isaac awoke in the ships prison. Also in the prison were a pyromaniac sociopathic wizard named Richard, an utterly nonsensical bard named Gaeleth with ridiculous sword skills, and a presumed dead necromancer named Azathoth. After being greeted by Hannibal, the captain of the ship (which was known as the Arcanum State Ship Haul, or A.S.S. Haul), the posse decided to aid him in his quest to rebel against Arcanum and free his enslaved race that no one seemed to know existed.

Somehow this resulted in the group being chased into the wilderness and then having them gather up an entire rebellion, move them across the country, have the party burn the face of an orphan and steal a boat, then transporting the rebels away to another country in an uncanny and entirely accidental reenactment of Eldest.

The barge was taken down by a giant squid rather quickly. The party washed up on island afterwards.

After finding that the island was the exact same island inhabited by the exact same primitives of before, Isaac promptly attempted to drown himself. He went unconscious in the water but was, much to his dismay, saved by a passing ship. The ship took him to the mainland of some continent, which he wandered for a time until he settled in a small tavern working under a man named Goat and his goat named Bill Johnson. Here he was reunited with the elf man from before, whose name was found to be Cyrial.

All was peaceful for a time until a group of hooligans stole the entire stock of the taverns materials. Isaac and the other fellows working at the shop went on a quest to recover these materials. At some point in these quests Isaac met the local deity, Hulk Savage, who blessed him and made him his prophet, giving him flaming hair (See: Praise Savage). After capturing and selling large quantities of Halfling females to the Necktwister Tribe, he and the group made their way to Coastal City where they would take a ship to the northern isles. Unfortunately, a mishap with a local shopkeeper resulted in Isaac being turned into a shriveled lump of dust (see: I Was Bluffing!) However, his faith in the deity Hulk Savage brought him resurrection, albeit as an androgynous Hill Dwarf. He and the party boarded a ship for the Northern Isles, where Isaac hoped he would find a way to regain his original form. After nearly burning down the ship in an attempt to defeat a rogue Necromancer, smoking vast amounts of reefer, and being captured by The White Goatee pirate gang, Isaac decided he would simply let whoever was present take him wherever the hell they were going and that he would work it out from there.

After watching his teammate, Kakashi, perform a colonectomy on a man without him noticing, and then escaping the ship to a nearby island to someplace called Orange Town, Isaac had had just about enough of this adventure. Fortunately, on his way through the forest, Isaac was relieved of his life by a Megaraptor. Unfortunately, he was resurrected much later by an almost entirely different group of adventurers (Uferk, a dwarf, being the only character from the original party remaining). He was this time resurrected as a Dryad, and after another prayer to savage, his tree was turned into a treant, and he was once again allowed to travel with his companions (See: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...a flaming tree?!).

After becoming inseminated by the orc fighter in the party and growing four Fey Orc children, Isaac decided to take the children into the mountains and train them in the ways of barely keeping oneself alive. He disappeared for a long, long time.

Mysteriously enough, Isaac reappeared some years later, calmly strolling into the town of Moonspear to take care of some unfinished business, returned to his changeling form and his children nowhere to be seen. When asked how he survived the mountains, he merely said "I didn't." and hastily went about his work, which seemed to be kicking to death every frog and/or toad he could find. After some more wandering, Isaac eventually retired in the small town of Nowhere in the country of Particular, where he now manages a small tavern. He gets along rather well with the locals, who say that he’s really quite nice other than having acquired more than seven hundred years’ worth of PTSD. After having his tavern blown up and subsequently witnessing the Rearrangement occuring when Lord Daedr took control of the material plane from the Celestials, in which the world was heavily reconstructed by several new deities, Isaac decided that he would go back to look for clues about his past, dropped his old-man guise, took two steps out of the village, and subsequently fell through a space time hole (likely the result of the new Godking Olaf of Dhere's severe tampering with the universe up in the north). What happened to him next remains to be seen.

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